Poised.

I have approached the end of years like 1988 and 2008 kind of happy to see them behind me because they'd been hard, if educational. When the end of 2009 came, I was so sad to see it go since it really was the best year of my life. Many times, I have simply approached December 31 looking forward to a new year.

But this year? This year, I'm on an edge. Glad to have the year behind me in a lot of ways but ... but when I try to make peace with the possibility that next year might hold the death of my mom, I just can't.

I don't think I have ever felt like life was cruel before. I have felt that about people (especially some prosecutors) and policies but never about life.

I'm trying to do the whole "one day at a time" thing.  And reverting to the lesson of 2008, i.e., when in doubt just breathe.   And knowing that time is going to move me forward whether I am ready or not.